Raw Emotion

So it's no secret to any of you that Drew has struggled with his expressive language skills. Because of him being born with a cleft palate, it was almost like I didn't "expect" for him to talk at the same pace as others his age. Then a few months back, it kinda hit me...he's 2 years old, he's been in speech therapy for over a year and in all honesty, he has no real words. I was also seeing all of his cleft friends make big strides in their speech development.


That's when I started doing some research of my own and I came across this in my Toddler 411 book:


Speaking involves the movement of multiple muscles in the lips, tongue, jaw, and palate - if you think about it, this is a rather complex process. When a motor disorder prevents a child from forming words, that's called apraxia. Of course, adults may also develop apraxia after a stroke causes a brain injury. Kids who have "developmental apraxia" are born that way...and more boys have it than girls. These kids understand language (receptive language) but have trouble with getting words out (expressive language). Here are the red flags to watch out for with apraxia -- Incorrect rhythms and inflections in speech; Several attempts at saying the same word; and Difficulty saying longer words.


I talked to Drew's speech therapist Jaci about this because some of the "red flags" sounded like him to me, but she didn't think this was something to worry about. Tuesday, we (me, Jon, and Jaci) took Drew to see the speech therapist in St. Louis that is part of the Cleft Palate Team, where I thought we would get the "magic" solution to his problems. After observing him for a while, she said that she thinks Drew might have some motor planning/processing issues, which COULD lead to a diagnosis of a speech disorder (like apraxia). At this point in the game, though, he isn't really saying enough to diagnosis him with anything. So she wants us to continue with what we have been doing and to continue to focus on getting him to use his "m" and "b" sounds consistently. Because what is he doing right now? As an example, if you point to a picture of a bear and ask him what it is, he most likely will either say 'ah' or 'muh' but after further prompting and possibly me saying "bear," he will say something like 'buh' (his "b" sound). We need him to automatically make the "b" sound on his first attempt. He also has a hard time saying "bye bye" because it is two syllables.


When I came home Tuesday night, we put Drew to bed and Jon went to work on his Bronco. I sat here on the couch and just started to cry. And I couldn't stop. It was like finding out about his cleft all over again -- when I found out about his cleft I went through such a range of emotions and was finally able to come to terms with the fact that he was going to look a bit different from his peers, but I prayed that he would at least sound like everyone else, even though I knew we would have obstacles to face to get there. And now this. And while he was NOT diagnosed with apraxia or anything else on Tuesday, I still can't help but wonder if he will ever talk...not just talk normally, but just talk at all.


Today I went to my alma mater to recruit. Dozens of students stopped by to talk to me. My mind started racing -- how will Drew handle situations like this when he gets older? Will he not only have to worry about looking different but also sounding different too? Will he even be able to speak properly? I know, I know, I am getting ahead of myself, but that is just how I am and how I think. It's just hard to believe that my little boy -- my son -- could have not only a cleft lip and palate, but also a very serious speech disorder.


Should I post this??? Will I sound like I'm complaining??? Am I posting this too soon since nothing has really been decided??? Who knows, but I just needed to write this out, so I hope you were able to bear with me...


One final thought - I am so grateful that my son is here and healthy and I try to remember that everyday, but I can't help but to just want him to be as "normal" as possible...whatever that means...


But to end on a lighter note, who would ever be able to resist this face??





Awwww...I feel so much better now :o)